Four Stages in Raising Kids to Be Independent Adults

Posted on March 28, 2011 by admin

Ephesians 6:4 – Fathers do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

It is said that we are all 2 bad choices away from personal destruction.  That is pretty frightening when you consider what personal destruction could look like in your life and realize how close we all are.  When I was a kid I remember my mother saying “My job is to teach you right from wrong, your job is to choose right.”  If I could simplify our parenting responsibilities to one thing this probably would be the top of the list.  As parents we are to train our children to grow to be independent adults that consistently make good choices.

If only training our children to make good choices was as easy as just saying so.  Recognizing that raising children is a complex art, I offer the following tips in an effort to give you some high level perspective and encouragement as you navigate through the various personalities, circumstances, family history, and sometimes overwhelming responsibility to raise our children.  So how do we help guide our children to make good choices?

  1. Model good choices.  As parents we must live out good choices in front of our kids.  Simply put, what you get is who you are.  Your kids will look to you as their example and follow you.  It is kinda hard to tell your kids to eat their vegetables if they never see you eating your vegetables.
  2. Instruct and discipline.  When your kids are young, less than 6, they should learn to follow clear instructions and operate within the boundaries that are established by their parents.  This is the time when parents can safely teach their children that there are consequences to bad choices.  Kids want the parents to be in charge and operate better when there is order and consistent boundaries so they know what to expect.  When our kids disobey or make bad choices we use discipline to provide consequences.  Without going into the controversial topic of discipline I will offer a couple suggestions.  First, discipline out of love.  Only apply discipline when they make a conscious choice to disobey or clearly knew they were out of bounds.  In other words, don’t punish them for something they did not know was wrong.  Let the punishment fit the crime.
  3. Be a coach.  As your kids get into grade school and you have established a healthy respect for following the rules, have established expectations and boundaries, and they are beginning to practice good choices you graduate to a coach.  As a coach teaches the athlete to think through the possible scenarios and make good decisions, the parent/coach helps our children think through their options to make good decisions.  There are still consequences to bad choices, some natural consequences and some imposed by the parent.  This is the time where good decisions earn responsibility and privilege and bad decisions earn loss of privilege.  It takes TIME to be a good coach and mentor.
  4. Become a fan.  As you kids leave the nest and are trying to make difficult life choices they still need a coach and also need a fan to encourage them and celebrate their good decisions.  If you played sports in high school you probably remember a coach that you respected, accepted instruction, and accepted consequences when you failed.  After graduation, you begin to transfer your authority to them and become their cheerleader or fan.  Parents are there to celebrate success and encourage kids in their pursuits.  If asked or needed, wise counsel and a listening ear is always available for our kids.

Teaching our children to choose right is the goal we all have as parents.  Children are complex creatures and every individual requires a different technique.  In our family, I have one child that a stern look or stern word can crush their spirit.  On the other hand, I have a child that needs a little stronger approach to get their attention.  Even though each individual child may respond differently based on their personalities I think we can be encouraged by our progress as we travel through these four stages in raising a child to be an independent adult that consistently makes good choices.

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

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Praying BIG Prayers with Your Family

Posted on March 18, 2011 by admin

Teach Your Children to Pray

John 14: 13-14 “Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.  If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it.”  Luke 11:9 says “So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.”  Focus On The Family’s Truth Project asks us to ponder the following.  “Do you really believe that what you believe is really real?” Do you?  If you do it should have a profound impact on every aspect of your life and especially how you pray.

Each night when we put our kids to bed I ask them if there is anything we should pray about.  They occasionally come up with someone that they have heard is dealing with cancer or a teacher that is sick, but are not really thinking beyond there immediate sphere of contacts.  As leaders in our families it is our responsibility to broaden their vision to realize the power that we have by bringing our requests to the almighty God.  We have the privilege to teach and inspire them to consider their role in praying for the big things in the world.  This past week Japan suffered the 9.0 earthquake and following sunami.  We have considered and offered sincere prayers for the Japanese people that are at that very moment trapped, lost, and hanging on for life in the cold rubble remaining from the destruction.  As parents we have the opportunity to ignite a vision for participating in the great things that God is doing in the world.

This week I was directed to a resource that I want to share with you.  It is a prayer guide for many parts of the world where you can learn about the demographics, challenges, needs and numbers of unreached people that have yet to hear the gospel of Jesus Christ.  You can see video and join in as others pray for a specific nation.  You can log on daily or sign up where an email can be sent to guide your prayers for world everyday.  Plant seeds that expose the hearts of your children and develop a compassion for the nations. Teach your kids to participate in the great works that God is doing in the world by lifting these up in prayer.  Call on the almighty God and pray BIG prayers  for the world.  Check it out.  www.operationworld.org

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How to Make Disciples in our Homes

Posted on March 14, 2011 by admin
  • Do you not say, ‘There are yet four months, and then comes the harvest?’ Behold I say to you , lift up your eyes, and look on the fields, that they are white for harvest. John 4:35

Jesus’s great commission calls all Christians to go into all the world and preach the gospel, baptize, and make disciples.  Over the centuries, the christian church has carried the message to new worlds and continued the great commission by preaching the gospel and baptizing believers into the church.  In our modern day America, the Church has done a good job preaching and baptizing.  We have filled our buildings with members and celebrate the number of baptisms.  This is good, but I would contend that the difficult work, the work that needs attention, and the work that is required to continue the great commission is the latter part of our command to make disciples or make Jesus followers.  Training disciples is not a graduate level course that you can send recent converts to become a disciple.  It is in the practice of following Jesus, studying His Word, and applying it in our daily lives that we incorporate the great commission in our daily thoughts and lives.  It is in becoming a disciple that we testify to the truth that we have come to know and has saved us.  It is in becoming a disciple that we are seen as different from the world and share a genuine conversion resulting from saving grace.  Training disciples is tough work that requires self discipline and focused commitment of time and relational energy devoted to an individual life.

As a Christian I am challenged to go into the world and preach the gospel, baptize and make disciples.  As a father of three I am also challenged to preach the gospel, baptize and make disciples of my kids.  I have experienced the privilege of seeing each of my children come to know the grace and love of Jesus and trust their lives to Him.  I have also had the privilege of personally baptizing each of my children.  I am now instructed to make disciples.  So how do we make disciples of our kids?  How do we inspire and train our children to know Jesus so that they experience truth and are deeply transformed into a new creation?  How do we develop children that desire to carry on the great commission to go, preach, baptize and make disciples of others?  In this blog I cannot expect to do much more than scratch the surface and begin to stimulate thought that will inspire and encourage you to contemplate this great responsibility, command, and spiritual calling as parents.  To develop disciples we must look to Jesus as our example.  First, He chose 12 men and committed to invest in their lives.  He lived with them.  He modeled a life that was so attractive that they left their careers, town, home, and families to be with Him.  Although he did attract crowds, most of His work was invested in the lives of individuals.  As parents looking for instruction how to make disciples I need look no farther than how Jesus taught his disciples.  The following are but a sampling of the witness Jesus has given us in the New Testament that we can model and share with our children as we live life together.

Jesus instructed his disciples on many truths of life through parables.  We also can teach these truths to our children through the life experiences we share.  Jesus revealed Himself to His disciples through the fulfillment of prophesy and the celebration of the Jewish feasts that we can also practice with our children and point to as fulfillment of God’s plan and evidence of God’s providence.  Jesus taught His disciples how to pray and has given us the Lord’s prayer to model to our children.  Jesus associated with all levels of society as we also should train our children to be comfortable in associating with the old, young, handicapped, wealthy, poor, sick, and sinners.  Through observing the poor widow, Jesus taught His disciples how to give.  Jesus taught His disciples to deny themselves and take up their cross to follow Him as we can teach our children to sacrifice for the sake of the gospel.  Jesus taught His disciples that the harvest is plentiful and the workers are few as we can challenge our children to pursue the great commission.  So as you consider how you accomplish the great commission in your family, look no further than following the example that Christ provided for us.  You have a brief time to love, live with, eat with, work with, travel with, pray with, sacrifice with, share life’s truths with, and practice preaching, celebrating baptism, and making disciples of others.  There is no greater discipleship training ground than living under a parent that lives a life fully committed to Jesus, actively models good choices, and incorporates the daily circumstance of life around us in teaching God’s truth.

Matthew 28:19-20:  “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you, always, even to the end of the age.”

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Do What You Love, Love What You Do

Posted on March 5, 2011 by admin
During the last couple of weeks following my hospital stay for a Pulmonary Embolism I have been forced to slow down and have purposely tried to be more receptive to life lessons and be reminded of the important things of life.  In 2002 I had the opportunity to press the pause button in life and spend 6 months considering, planning, and moving forward on a new career.  I started this time in Aspen Colorado with one of the five men that I have been meeting with for years in Estes Park.  See my blog post from December 12th about this group.   https://jeffreyapplegate.com/?p=136    We spent the better part of three days dialing in to what was important to me in my life and would lead to a fulfilling and prosperous career.  We followed the program by Tom Patterson Living the Life You Were Meant to Live.  During this time of complete surrender, deep reflection, rest, prayer, solitude, and encouragement I was able to come up with five characteristics for a career that would be an ideal fit for me, align with my personality, and provide a life work that would bring joy and satisfaction.  There is no magic to the number five and although you may share these desires in your career the ones that meet my needs are not necessarily fitted for others.  The five characteristics for me are as follows. 
  1. Meaningful Relationships – I need to be in a career that allows me to develop and enjoy personal relationships.  For me personal relationships with others is what life is all about and what brings me the greatest joy.
  2. Control – I had to be in a career that allowed me the freedom and responsibility to make decisions that I felt are best for the organization and be accountable for those decisions.
  3. Entrepreneurial – I enjoy the excitement and adrenaline rush that comes with managed risk and reward of “playing the business game”. 
  4. Adventure to Live – I had to find a career that allowed me to have fun.  I have both an analytical and creative bent and I love to be part of creating products and enjoy great diversity in my activities.
  5. Challenge to Conquer – I enjoy staying at a task and working towards a goal that when accomplished brings great satisfaction.

I found these five characteristics in Blackwell Plastics.  We manufacture custom products for a variety of industries.  The relationships I share by working toward creating new products with employees, customers, and vendors is the greatest privilege.  I get the opportunity to share in the entrepreneurial dreams of our customers and participate in working along their side to realize those dreams. Restoring the 70 year old company to be recognized in our region as the best custom injection molder and extruder has been a lot of fun and a great and rewarding challenge.  I put together the simple video at the top of this post to help all or our employees recognize the value and take pride in the worthwhile work that we get to participate in everyday.  

As I recover from my Pulmonary Embolism I am reminded that, for me, life is about enjoying the God-given relationships and collecting life experiences.  For me, it is not about collecting the would of, could of, should of’s.  I write to encourage you to “press the pause button”, reflect on your career, your family, or other areas where you invest your time.  Identify what is really important in your life.  What gives you the greatest joy and the deepest satisfaction.  Whatever it takes, find a path to get you there.  Start today.  Accept more invitations, go to the zoo, write personal notes, go on more vacations, explore the woods with you child, spend more time with family and do the things that really matter in your life.

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Leading with Truth and Love

Posted on February 27, 2011 by admin

Leading with Love I John 4:9

Have you ever wondered what it would have been like to encounter Jesus face to face as he mixed with the people in the towns, on the roads, or in the marketplace?  What were the attractive qualities that caused men to leave their jobs and families to follow him?  Consider the casual contact such as his meeting of the Samarian woman at the well.  When he looked into her eyes did she feel love penetrate her soul?  What about this man that would cause someone to believe that if they could only touch his coat that they would be healed?  What was it about Jesus that drew thousands of people to hear him?  When Christ walked into a room of strangers, what presence did he bring?  What are the attractive qualities that would draw people close to Him and how can we model these in our families, workplace and in our communities? 

 When I was in college I worked at Kanakuk Kamps in Branson, Missouri.  I had the privilege of growing up under and later working for and watching the Director, Joe White lead, teach, discipline, and personally love hundreds of kids, young college men and women.  I recall clearly the image of Joe with his hands on a young man’s shoulders with squinted eyes, chewing on his lower lip, and looking him square in the eye balls.  Joe intently listened and instructed with authority and a deep love.  Joe has an unbelievable ministry that impacts millions of people around the world.  It has never been about lifting up Joe White, but about Joe earnestly seeking to model and reflect the love of Jesus to others.

 There are many characteristics of Jesus, Joe White, and the many people that you know that we can model.  As I consider the many qualities of Jesus that attracted men, women and children, two qualities stick out that permeated everything about him.  He spoke absolute Truth.  In the words of Truth the spirit of genuine love poured forth to all that heard.  In Matthew 5:13-14 we are called to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world.  How can we, as individuals, model those characteristics of Jesus so that others recognize a genuine and attractive difference in our lives and realize it is the Truth and Love of Jesus that is attractive.  To see a picture of this in action, check out this video about a coach who chose to be different, expressed the love of Jesus to a group of teenage criminals, and changed their lives.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52AOPQvCTv4&feature=related 

 As leaders in your family and community what can you do to be salt so that others will see the light and come to know the love that Jesus has for them?

 I John 4:9 – “This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.”

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Extremely Serious With a High Potential for Death

Posted on February 19, 2011 by admin

Psalm 23:2 "He makes me lie down"

I am writing this post from my hospital bed at St. Luke’s in Houston, Texas.  For three weeks I had some tenderness in my upper calf and thought it could be a blood clot.  After experiencing pain in my back, ribs, and right chest I went to get checked out by the doctor.  All my vitals were clear, I had no risk factors, and did not “look or act like someone with a PE (Pulmonary Embolism) so we ruled it out.  While watching American Idol I began experiencing intense pain in the right side of my chest that lasted 3 hours with numerous periods of “take your breath away pain” that certainly was not normal.  After speaking with my Doctor we decided to do a CAT Scan where I learned I had a PE with infarction or tissue death.  At this point all my plans were cancelled, I was put on a blood thinner, and transported to the hospital by ambulance.  For the last two days I think I have used every piece of capital equipment in the hospital and have given enough blood to save a couple lives in the E.R.  The end result is two clots in my leg and two PE’s in my right lung.  I am still waiting for test results to determine the longer term treatment plan, but appears that I missed a bullet.  

If there were any doubt of the risk, the definition of PE in the literature provided by the hospital concludes with “It’s extremely serious with a high potential for death”.  I have been training for an Ironman race in a couple months and continued swimming, biking and running through all these events chalking most of the symptoms up to age and minor injuries to work through.  My sister highlighted a much often needed reminder in the Psalms 23:2 “He makes me lie down…”  Sometimes the activities of our lives take over and God needs to step in and make us lie down.  This is not the first or second time that God has made me lie down when there are places to go, things to do, and people to meet.  I had to cancel meetings with people that had flown in from Ohio, I am a few weeks from my peak training for my triathlon, and we are in the midst of the first quarter of getting the business year off to a good start.  And God makes me lie down, He takes me to a quiet hospital room, and He restores my soul.  He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.  As I sit and write I praise God for making me lie down and thankful and challenged to be in a quiet place to restore my soul so I can be used for His purposes and His name’s sake.  As leaders of your family I hope this experience will inspire you to carve out some quiet time, lower the volume, and trust that God will care for your needs. 

Psalm 23:2-3  “He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.  He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.”

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The Goal of our Instruction is Love…

Posted on February 13, 2011 by admin

The Goal of our Instruction is LOVE...I Tim:1:5

February is a great month to reflect on LOVE.  While addressing false teaching in the church the apostle Paul simplifies and emphasizes the core message to Timothy.  I Timothy 1:5 “The goal of our instruction is LOVE from a pure heart, and a good conscience and a sincere faith.”  With all the false teachings in our lives we often need to be reminded and directed that the goal of our instruction is Love.  Christ tells us that the greatest command is to Love God and second to love our neighbors as ourselves.  We are reminded in I John 4 that God is Love.  As leaders in our families and in our businesses it is so important that we lead with Love.  In I Peter 4:8 we are encouraged to Love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins.  So as you begin this new day be re-mined that “the goal of our instruction is Love”.  Today lead your family by demonstrating love for your spouse or children in a special way.  I like the hymn that speaks the truth “they will know we are Christians by our love”.  This is an attractive quality of love that draws others to Christ.  Today in your businesses and workplaces be different by expressing a genuine interest in others and demonstrate brotherly love to your co-workers.  Our families and workplace desperately need leaders to step up, be different, and share the love of Christ with others.   

I Timothy 1:5 “The goal of our instruction is LOVE from a pure heart, and a good conscience and a sincere faith.”

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Raising Up Living Stones

Posted on February 7, 2011 by admin

Raise up Living Stones - Joshua 4:21-24

 A couple of weeks ago I visited a friend’s office and noticed a pile of rocks on a piece of cardboard in the middle of his very nice conference table.  I couldn’t help but ask about the rocks and he shared about the struggle to meet the financial obligations of his business and their fervent prayer and trust in God’s plan.  Bankruptcy seemed imminent and just as the lawyers were descending they received two offers on a piece of property that would allow them to raise enough cash to survive for several months.  My friend gathered his team, went to the front of the building, each picked up a stone, and shared God’s blessings.  Joshua 4 records God’s instruction to Joshua following the crossing of the Jordan.  v22 “When your children ask their fathers in time to come, saying, ‘What are these stones?’  then you shall inform your children, saying, ‘Israel crossed this Jordan on dry ground.’  v23 “For the Lord your God dried up the waters of the Jordan before you until you had crossed, just as the Lord your God had done to the Red Sea, which He dried up before us until we had crossed; v24 that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty, so that you may fear the Lord your God forever.”  

God instructed Joshua to set up stones so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the Lord is mighty and to testify of the great things that the Lord has done.  In I Peter 2:5 we are called to be “living stones” or living testimonies of the great things the Lord has done.  Do you have signs in your home or business that you can point to that tell a story of God’s provision, healing or work in your life?  Find an occasion to gather your kids together, pick some stones from a nearby creek or build a small monument to serve as a visual reminder of the great work that God has accomplished in your life.  Don’t miss this simple opportunity to lead your family and raise your children to be living stones that testify to God’s great love and provision in your families’ life. 

Joshua 4:24 “that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty, so that you may fear the Lord your God forever.”

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“What you get…is who you are”

Posted on January 29, 2011 by admin

Walk a little plainer dad

On September 4, 2007 my father gave me a little poem that was framed and had been in his bathroom for as long as I can remember.  I don’t know if I had ever read the poem until the day he decided to give it to me with the note on the back saying “Passing the torch!”  There is no title or author, but reads as follows. 

Walk a little plainer; dad, 

said a little boy so frail. 

I’m following in your footsteps 

and I don’t want to fail. 

Sometimes your steps are very plain. 

Sometimes they are hard to see. 

So walk a little plainer, dad, 

for you are leading me. 

  

I know that once you walked 

this way, many years ago 

and what you did along the way, 

I’d really like to know. 

For sometimes when I am tempted 

I don’t know what to do. 

So walk a little plainer, dad, 

for I must follow you 

  

Someday when I’m grown up 

you are like I want to be. 

Then I will have a little boy 

who will want to follow me 

and I would want to lead him right, 

and help him to be true 

so walk a little plainer, dad, 

for we must follow you. 

How many know of parents that live to a different standard than they expect their kids to live to and wonder why they turned out just like them?  We all know parents that use foul language and is no surprise to hear “little Johnny” repeat the same.  How can we live to one standard and expect our kids to live to a different standard?  How can we expect our kids to make good choices in the foods they eat, the movies they watch, the internet sites they visit, the language they use if they see us, their parents, making choices that are not consistent with how we are instructing them?  Follow the leader is an elementary game for kids and following the lead of mom and dad is exactly what our children will do.  Fortunately, my father lived and modeled a life that I would hope to follow.  I recognize many of his strengths that come so natural to him and strive to realize those in my own life.  The characteristics that are modeled by parents are naturally picked up by the children.  The saying “the apple does not fall far from the tree” certainly testifies to this truth.  This is also the same for leaders of corporations and organizations.  As researched and presented by Jim Collin’s team at Stanford, the lasting great businesses adapt, evolve and thrive with changing technologies and markets.  The products and services may change, but the core values that represent the character of the organization remain the same.  3M may have started as a mining company, but was really founded on a core ideology and culture of innovation.  The products, services, markets and directions changed over time, but what made 3M consistently outperform the market is a clear understanding and commitment to pursue their core ideology and passion for innovation.   In our family we have established Core Values that provide direction and guidelines that direct the way we seek to relate to the many relationships in life.  My wife and I, as leaders of our family, seek to model these values in our personal decisions and daily actions.  Our kids are sponges watching our every move.  And yes we make mistakes and fail more often in front of those we are most responsible to, but failure when recognized and properly corrected demonstrates Gods grace for us and the reality of the struggle we all have with sin and living a life that seeks to model Christ’s example.  Jesus gave us the perfect model.  We will not be perfect, but taking the time to write down your core values, applying them to your daily decisions, and daily modeling these to your children in your own life will yield great dividends as our little ones follow our lead.  For those of you who do lead their families and find your children are not following in your example I encourage you that “What you get is who you are” is true most of the time, but not absolute.  Stay the course, pray for your kids, and give them time for the Holy Spirit work in their lives and draw them back to the truth.   So, walk a little plainer, dad, for we must follow you.  

I Corinthians 11:1  Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ

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The Dark side of Leadership

Posted on January 15, 2011 by admin

Leading your black sheep - Ephesians 6:4

“I have worked so hard to direct my child how to follow the Lord and instruct them in the ways they should go and they seem to go in the exact opposite direction.” – Frustrated Parent

In the opening chapter of Good to Great Families I introduce God’s model for leadership in the family and example that Christ lived out for us that we can apply in our businesses and with our families.  During my work I asked my friend Jim Tomforde, Vice-Chairman Insurance Alliance and outstanding example of leadership and service to his wife Leigh and 2 daughters to comment on leadership styles in the family and I thought his comments on a dark side of leadership to be particularly insightful.  Jim commented: “The dark side of leadership, that is the controlling side.  Leadership is actually working yourself out of a job, sending others out to surpass what you can do.  Far too many, especially in the Church, are all about dictating to others how they should live.  When we do this to our children they resent us, they don’t trust us.  Children don’t want to disappoint us, so they often follow along with our demands, but there will come a time when they know in their hearts that our leadership is really about controlling their behavior because it serves our needs as the parent.   Children need to feel loved for how they are right now not loved for who we wish them to be.  Then they will have the freedom to spread their wings and be who God created them to be (often not whom we, as parents may want or even recognize).” 

Our children are unique gifts from God that we have the awesome responsibility to love, direct, guide, discipline, nurture and encourage.  My 3 kids are all so different.  They have different temperaments, interests, and talents.  They each respond differently to discipline and each need different styles of leadership.  Some want help with their homework and instruction when learning a new skill and others are fiercely independent wanting to learn on their own.  In business our employees and teammates respond differently to instruction and need differing leadership styles to help them achieve the greatest success.  Some employees require daily interaction, detailed instruction and need lots of affirmation where others need space, perform independently and typically respond well to incentives.  In my business and in my family I have made many mistakes trying lead and navigate through the unique personalities, talents and needs of my employees and my family.  Jim is so right.  Be aware of the dark side of leadership.  We must love them for who they are and not who we want them to be.  Even though we have the best intentions in mind we must recognize and adapt to the individual circumstances, personalities and dynamics of a growing and maturing child.  Prayerfully consider each of your children and how you can love, lead and encourage them to develop the gifts, talents and person that God created them to be. 

Ephesians 6:4 – Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

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